The Inner Monologue Of A Lazy Girl Trying To Go Out

“C’mon, let’s go out…” your friend says.
“But it’s so cold out……..” you whine.
“Rachel it’s July.”
“But I’m so tiiiirreedddd….”
“But this morning you said that you wa–”

Possible Reasons These Dogs Are Drunk

No me gusta. I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough! I am man’s goddamn best friend! I WILL DO WHAT I WANT. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE WOOF, MARGERY. Now hit me with another tequila shot. Hold my jaw open and pour it into my mouth for me. I’ll just lick the salt and lime off the floor.

Mr. Mouth Eats a Wade Boggs Dribbler

Staring down at her flaming red thicket, I didn’t know where to begin. I felt tragically overwhelmed, like the time I tried benching 140lbs in front of my father. I closed my eyes and began licking willy-nilly. I was ballparks from any so-called G-spot.

Watching Arrested Development Alone

More than other television shows, it yields to watching and rewatching, because it is a show about repetition and circularity. Though you own all three seasons of the show on DVD, you now open your internet browser and stream an episode over Netflix Instant, because this seems easier, somehow.