“

It has come to my attention that I am a pervert.

“

“Oh, you’re allergic to that? Oops.”

“

I craved that male validation so badly, but I knew I would never get it.

“

Finally, a piece of paper that is adequately long enough to write out a complete and proper hit list.

“

*At 4:05*”…the bomb is hidden in the…it’s set to go off at 4:07.”-click-

“

No matter how old I get, these movies still hold the ability to move me.

“

Not to brag or anything, but I can make some bomb ass blanket forts, with the assistance of your living room furniture and my inability to grow up.

“

“Cake and Cunnilingus Day” comes exactly one month after “Steak and BJ Day,” which comes exactly a month after Valentine’s Day. But are they really as much fun as No Pants Day and Dance Like a Chicken Day?

“

I used to believe my stuffed animals came to life at night.

“

Remember to feign interest during this stage of small talk even if it feels like a small part of your soul is being vacuumed through your ears.