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The whole notion of “unconditional familial love” was squashed the second it was time to get food. It was like everyone decided to behave like a Yelp Elite food critic when the time came to pick what restaurant you were going to for dinner.

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I’ve always hated the word vacation. I don’t want to vacate anything, don’t want to be vacuous, and, when I took biology, vacuoles were the things I hated the most.

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I don’t know how people get others to fall in love with them because whenever I have a crush on someone, I am an absolute idiot. I am the worst possible version of myself. I wish at certain points I could just whisper into my crush’s ear and be like, “Please just stick around. I swear I get better. Hold on just one more second!”

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Like everyone else in America, I used to hate the DMV because, duh, it’s gross. But since I got hit by a car and have a limp, the people who work there are convinced that I’m mentally retarded and let me skip all the lines and fill out my paperwork for me.

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When you were a kid, there was such a thing as “cooties”, which basically just meant that someone was being physically affectionate with you. Clandestine smooches on the playground, a playful rub on the neck: these things were considered to gross behavior. As you get older though, one can never have enough cooties!