“

Also, I stalk your ex-girlfriend because I am afraid that one day, you might wake up and realize just how good you really had it.

“

I’m like the emotional equivalent of the homeless man leering at breasts in the corner of the bus while swigging from a bottle of whiskey. “Yeah, that’s right, I bet you’re goal-oriented but caring. I bet you’d make a great father. Oh, yeah.”

“

Facecreeping. Creeping people’s Facebooks. We all do it, despite my spell check’s refusal to acknowledge its existence. We’ve all found ourselves, at some point or another, listlessly scrolling through someone’s photos as we foster some vague emotion. It’s 2011, come on, we’re all just looking at what everyone else is doing as it pops up on our news feeds…