“

You sat at the edge of your bed, clutching your phone, waiting for a text from him. It wasn’t just that day. You’ve been waiting for days, even weeks for him to get back to you. For him to give you an explanation.

“

3. You just got dumped recently and are in the process of rebuilding your existence without theirs.

“

It’s not enough just to finally take that first step, you have to then write a dissertation on exactly why you did it and hand it out to everyone you’ve ever met.

“

So you are ready to buy a used car. Congratulations! This is a very adult thing to do. Consider what kind of mileage you need, and what size makes sense for your lifestyle.

“

I’ve had holes in my jeans before, but I’ve never had a two-inch gash where my crotch goes. I’m splitting my pants right down the middle, like a vivisected turkey on Thanksgiving. I’m losing my tenuous grip on physical attractiveness. I see my hair thinning, my posture worsening and my bank account dwindling.

“

Here are several proven ways to become impossible to work with face-to-face and thus earn a work-at-home opportunity.

“

Mahler acts as a 120-piece orchestral therapist, allowing you to explore your melancholy, to know it, and ultimately to fold it into your own personal account of the human condition. They say Mozart makes babies smarter, but no one trains the emotional intelligence like Gustav Mahler.

“

So, you’re in your 30s, you’re a straight woman, and you’re single. You’re out there looking for a nice, mature man, one who longs to put his hand on your knee under the bar on Saturday night and lay his head in your lap to watch HBO dramas on Sunday while soup bubbles on the stove. One who has a job and a healthy relationship with his mother. One with a cute butt.