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On camera, one boy joked “she’s going to be alone in a big dark house, how perfect can you get? I mean like holy sh-t.” To which the other boy responded “I’m horny just thinking about it.”

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“I must have prayed for something like 25 or 30 years. Not one single prayer was ever answered.”

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Whenever they write history books, it’s a miraculous coincidence that the bad guys always wind up losing. And what’s ironic is that by definition, those who win wars are not those with the best morals or the loftiest ideology, but those who are the better killers.

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CANCER: You’re like an impending earthquake or tsunami—24 hours before you get into one of your notoriously awful moods, all animals in the area can sense trouble and will begin to flee.

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You once said that you were afraid that I would break your heart, and I sorely said that you were mistaken. I was right, just as I am now.

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I do not believe in signs or stars aligning or fate or whatever, but when I came back from California, my other friend was filling me in on her sort-of-ex’s actions from the 10 days I was gone. And instead of suggesting we curse him or something, I just blurted out: “Oh my god, that’s what I do to other people too.”

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“There is something evil in her that can never be fixed.”

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Life in prison would be too good for this POS.

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“See, to displace one evil act, you have to help facilitate another. Which is where I come in. I am your facilitator. For the next thirty-four minutes that you would’ve spent here, you’re instead going to do everything I tell you. Deal?”

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I know it’s been a long while. And while I’m sorry for that, I regret to say. I literally cannot account for the missing time. Since my last entry, I reckon it’s been months to you all, but to me, it’s been a night. I know that must seem confusing, but hopefully you’ll start understanding what I’ve been through.