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When you run out of things to say during a conversation and you’re not quite sure how to end it.

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“I posed for a private all-female Catholic college as a figure model for their art class and got a boner.”

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As soon as my attack ends, everything I said suddenly feels so stupid. I can finally see the way I looked through the other person’s eyes. I can see how psycho I must have seemed. How pathetic.

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You’re fully convinced that your life is so much better than other people’s, that you’re so much more superior than they are because of X, Y and Z. You put other down so much that you convince yourself you’re so great when you’re just ignoring the fact that you’re fucking miserable.

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“I was blowing my boyfriend and I really don’t know how this happened, but when he came his semen came straight out of my nose.”

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Who knew McNuggets could be such a turn-on?

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As the intensity progressed, he pulled down my underwear confidently and assuredly. What followed confused even the most sexually experienced of my friends: he couldn’t “find the hole.”

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“I probably won’t mention that I tell my mother everything. That might scare him a bit.”

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You can either bemoan the fact that you attract weirdoes, or you can try to make the weirdo cycle shorter and stop attracting them altogether. Here is what I learned from this failed, embarrassing, hapless relationship.

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It was definitely illegal and ridiculously dangerous, but things worked out—for exactly one week.