“

“I posed for a private all-female Catholic college as a figure model for their art class and got a boner.”

“

As soon as my attack ends, everything I said suddenly feels so stupid. I can finally see the way I looked through the other person’s eyes. I can see how psycho I must have seemed. How pathetic.

“

You’re fully convinced that your life is so much better than other people’s, that you’re so much more superior than they are because of X, Y and Z. You put other down so much that you convince yourself you’re so great when you’re just ignoring the fact that you’re fucking miserable.

“

“I was blowing my boyfriend and I really don’t know how this happened, but when he came his semen came straight out of my nose.”

“

Who knew McNuggets could be such a turn-on?

“

As the intensity progressed, he pulled down my underwear confidently and assuredly. What followed confused even the most sexually experienced of my friends: he couldn’t “find the hole.”

“

“I probably won’t mention that I tell my mother everything. That might scare him a bit.”

“

You can either bemoan the fact that you attract weirdoes, or you can try to make the weirdo cycle shorter and stop attracting them altogether. Here is what I learned from this failed, embarrassing, hapless relationship.

“

It was definitely illegal and ridiculously dangerous, but things worked out—for exactly one week.

“

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” My apologies do nothing to drown out the heinous noises reverberating throughout the small cabin.