“

Robert Pattinson and his disgust for Twilight

“

He’d insist on summing up our sex in oversimplified bullet points written in biased language, and then I’d be like, “I’d like to have an orgasm, too, Bill,” and he would yell over me.

“

If my strategy leads to your election as President of the United States, I want to legally own them, body and soul: Tagg, Matt, Josh, Ben, and especially Craig will be mine to dress in whatever outfits I choose.

“

In the past, to appease the fandom desires of their kids, my parents have: attended midnight screenings of all LOTR movies, seen four *NSync concerts, dressed up like the Teletubbies, driven two hours to a book signing by the cast of RENT and DVRed every episode of Ryan Seacrest’s daily talk show.

“

In one iconic scene, one of these romantic heroes held a boombox (like an iPod, but bigger and without earphones) above his head. As it blasted the tuneful sounds of “In Your Eyes,” he wooed his lady-love with a mixture of sweetness and intensity that no girl could resist. That kind of rocked.

“

When I was in high school the O.C was on the TV of every suburban household and girls were on the hunt for their own Seth Cohen. Sensing I fit the mold (except the Jewish part), I thought I would draw from Cohen’s geeky, yet charming disposition. With an already existent love for Death Cab and a new, somewhat regrettable interest skinny jeans, I was confident that I’d be throwing a rose ceremony in no time.

“

The Twilight series of books/films is widely perceived to be bad, sexist and potentially in possession of a ‘Mormon agenda,’ even by people who have not consumed any of the books or films nor are able to articulate what a ‘Mormon agenda’ is besides ‘having a ton of wives’ or ‘not having sex’ or ‘having a ton of babies while being really nice to people.’