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1. Painted cat whiskers on my face and told a boy—in graphic detail—about the crocodilian reproductive system.

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For all I can tell, she may be using a laptop. Maybe she lost her iPhone. Or she’s meditating. Hell, I wouldn’t even be shocked if it were a dude.

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If your potential paramour expresses any kind of real fear of “getting compacted like Princess Leia,” hard truth is you need to quit that.

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2. You have begun making profiles on websites like SeekingArrangement.com.

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According to authorities, the man, whose identity has not yet been revealed, dived into a dumpster to avoid talking to the police about a domestic dispute that had taken place earlier. Apparently, it was garbage day, so the man was collected, as it were, along with the garbage.