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Cancel the date you’re supposed to have a few days from now. Make up an excuse (you’re good at it). Cancel all dates so you never have to start. Joke about being alone forever and realize it’s your own doing.

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Step six: Go full cray on your Facebook timeline

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Soak in your own denial about what you’re doing. Justify it rather than just shrugging it off. You had a hard week, you just don’t feel like going out, you’ve earned this.

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My goal wasn’t to take a shot to ease my nerves. My goal was to get to the point where I would say whatever was on my mind and to be so tipsy that I wouldn’t care if the man was interested in a second date or not.

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A good friend of mine just recently moved to another state and doesn’t really know anyone so naturally I suggested she go out, have some good food followed by a drink or two at the bar. That’s cool, casual and normal right? WRONG.

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Bartender shall use the Confidential Information only to evaluate if Discloser is deserving of buy backs (“Sad and Pitiful”) or will likely need to be forcibly removed from the premises later in the evening (“I Saw This Coming When She Started Talking About Her Ovarian Cysts.”)

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Do not drink alone if you are within a 5-mile radius of a McDonald’s, Domino’s, White Castle, or KFC.

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You never distracted me much either, especially not the first time. Asked how the book was, asked what it was about, asked why I chose it. You replaced my drinks before I had to ask, filled my water glass after a sip or two had gone missing. And despite sitting in a busy restaurant on a barstool, I was comfortable.