“

Popeyes is the Lord our God, and He loves you very much.

“

You swear off food, you swear off ice cream and takeout from the Thai restaurant downstairs and food blogs, and from now on you follow the diet prescribed by Emmy-winning heart surgeon Dr. Oz.

“

I love eating very caloric, rich foods and I practically squeal with glee if I see the numbers on the scale climb. I like being called piggy, requested to oink and being accused of being gluttonous and lazy.

“

You know how you’re always supposed to “sleep on it”, take a timeout, think about everything first before you burst into an adult tantrum-esque rant? Well…

“

I wonder how much of the health-related information I’ve acquired over the years is completely made up. Eating an arsenal of snack foods past Midnight makes you fat. Drink eight glasses of water a day at minimum or you’re doomed. Fight against every human instinct you have, and you’ll be healthy. It’s all such bullshit. I think this ‘not wearing underwear’ thing has some legs though. I recall the phrase, “Let your vagina breathe.”