You question your love for them. Even though deep down you know you love them, sometimes you question your own heart. Your anxiety sometimes can make you second guess yourself and downplay your gut instincts. Sometimes, you really do think to yourself, do I truly love this person? Is this person really a good fit for me?
Do I Have Anxiety
We are the generation of mental illness. Of anxiety. Of depression. Of stress that turns to ulcers. We are the generation defined by the sickness in our minds. Of not knowing how to fail. We are the generation that tears ourselves apart because we can’t achieve perfection. We are the generation full of panic. Of Xanax and Zoloft and Valium.
Their anxiety makes them want to run as far as they can. Their anxiety makes them want to cancel. Their anxiety makes them want to disappear. Because in their minds, that’s better than being hurt. That’s better than getting disappointed. That’s better than rejection.
‘Anxiety is wanting to fix something that isn’t even a problem.’
You don’t know how to relax anymore or go out with friends. You convince yourself that you have to work on your days off, in order to be the best. You work day and night even on holidays and weekends. You don’t know how to stop.
It’s incredibly hard for you to concentrate on tasks you have to do and things you need to complete. It’s also hard for you to concentrate on conversations and work meetings because the racing thoughts running through your mind overpower everything else.
You see, the thing about anxiety is that, it makes me love myself. Even through the dark days where I feel like I’m dying. Even with all the panic attacks and ER visits. It makes me proud of myself for being able to go throughout my day to day life without collapsing.
For me, dating is an entire world of anxiety. What do I wear? What if he takes me home? What if he kills me? What if I have nothing to say? Do I write notes in my phone for discussion topics? What if I choke and I die while he’s talking about his cute dogs to me?
Having other people voice concern about your mental and emotional health makes your panic spin out of control. For them to see your struggle and see what you have to go through every day just to get through life is terrifying for you. You would rather save them from seeing you like that.