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This will be the greatest six seconds of your day.

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“Once I am with him, I am going to whip my d**k out and piss on him … right in his muthaf**kin face.” Oh for real?

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Something weird is going to happen. My recently single, reliably wonderful friend named “Mansion” is going on a road trip with a (very) old boyfriend. Okay, so her name’s not really “Mansion.” But so what if it was?

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30. Snoop Dogg went to school with Cameron Diaz and sold her marijuana at the time.

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Popcorn is an early-romance classic, probably mostly because people go on dates to the movies. Anything that’s not too messy. Hummus is not romantic.

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1. DMX on a BMX

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Most of these are not songs I am in the habit of listening to now, but I have heard them due to phases in my life, accidents, poor judgment, middle school dances, or car rides.

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1. Hardly sounds like he’s from Boston at all. 2. Willing to be big spoon or little spoon. 3. Has a terrific family recipe for brownies.

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4. Getting booted from the Internet and having to start a download from scratch 5. Searching for my name, “Stephanie,” and downloading every search result (they were all pretty bad; save for “Hey Stephanie!” by Gob and “Stephanie Says” by Velvet Underground) 6. Downloading corrupted files that were half song and half screeching, scrambled white noise

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When I was in middle school, I did not realize how strange and awful it was. I was overweight, mean-spirited, lazy, and girls did not like me. When I liked girls, I chatted with them on AIM, saying things like, “hey” and “A/S/L?”