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From Michael Phelps “racing” a shark to all your favorite documentaries.

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5. They randomly tell you how lucky you are to be living in the United States.

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Welcome to the Jersey shore, b*tch.

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It’s bizarre how many people have told me that being a Cash Cab contestant is on their bucket list.

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Look at the cat looking at the television, looking at the cat.

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In fact, what the alien myth and the faulty notion of progress embedded within it represents is the total opposite of any utopian illusion.

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It’s nice to have someone to identify with — even if that someone is a Great White shark.

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You see, I have cable television, which means I have The Learning Channel, the History Channel, The Travel Channel, and The Discovery Channel. These educational networks dispense valuable wisdom to me.