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If I stopped moving forward, I would be prolonging this guilt incarnate, which is not what I wanted. However, moving forward and away from my dad was not what I wanted either.  

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You try to see the positives, remember that you are so lucky to know that time is running out, until you flip that coin and realize that you have to watch the sand slowly flow through the hourglass.

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Slowly I started to see the Nanny I knew to be so insanely independent become dependent on others to help her live.

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“Consciously drowning. Imagine being totally awake and aware of your faculties, hopelessly stuck underwater, and having to convince yourself to breathe in or pass out.”

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Dementia, in a weird and somehow paralleled way, is a huge metaphor for life. The cryptic lessons that dementia taught you bring you back to the most basic building blocks of humanity. Life is messy and hard and nonsensical, but love is the only thing that makes sense of it all.

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Ronna admitted that she is jealous of him even if he’s totally straight; she’s worried that I’m going to become Manhattan-trendy and start shooting heroin. She said she’s been wanting to ask me if I’m in love with him. “I am, a little,” I told her.

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For a time, I was enraged at an extended family that knew perfectly well what was going on, but chose to look the other way, because it’s easier to ignore the elephant in the room, even when it’s practically stamping on your head.

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It’s all in the numbers. That’s how you understand anything of real value in this world.