It doesn’t matter how many years have passed, because I am always going to miss you with the same intensity. I am always going to hate how early you left this earth.
Even at the time, I was astounded at my ability to find the words to tell my daughter her baby brother was dying. It felt like the emotional equivalent of the mother who lifts an impossibly heavy object off the child trapped beneath.
Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a loved one. My world turned upside down that day, and every belief and construct I had relied on to define how my world worked were all of the sudden meaningless.
When my brother picked me up from the airport, she was already doing worse. I spent the last 24 hours crying.
There are days I’ll go back to his Facebook page and the angel wings photo that hasn’t changed. But then there are days when his page will come to me. I swallow the rock in my throat.
The ones we love and lose don’t leave us. They don’t fade. They don’t just disappear into the fabric of our pasts; they are intricately woven in, permanently and beautifully.
So do yourself a favor and take care of you, it is what your loved one would want.
Goodbye for me has been a lot of games of Tetris. A lot of music on full blast. A lot of weeping into pillows and staring into ceilings. A lot of second glances at sunsets and talks with God. A few 6PM bedtimes and breakdowns in the middle of a workday.
I wanted the truth. I wanted it to hurt, because pain makes people stay together.
It pains me to remember you, to memorialize your laughter and your love. But what choice do I have? I cannot afford to forget you or your memories, they keep me alive.