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With her long list of ex-lovers, Taylor Swift is a pro at communicating all the emotions involved in a breakup.

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“Wow, she’s gained so much weight.” “She really looks terrible.” “I can’t believe how big she is.” This is what I imagine people say about me when I walk out of a room.

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Remember all those backyard barbecues, all those prime rib dinners? Neither do I; they never happened — because I loved you.

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If you have a car, a job, a house, some combination of the two or all three, your life is a dream made of spun sugar and unicorn farts and you have no right to ever be sad.