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“Am I dying, or is this my birthday?”

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Let’s be real: the holidays can be the worst. From relentless Love Actually marathons, to dreaded family political debates, to more food than you can food a food at…it’s basically a bulimic’s nightmare.

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You wander, like a lost, sick zombie trying to avoid the aisles and aisles of brains that you so desperately want to eat. Finally, after a few hours, you leave with two healthy snacks and bags full of candy

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And you thought you were smart.

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1. I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.