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“I masturbated to Facebook pictures of my friend…who died two years ago.”

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There are lots of kinds of bad people in this world. There are some that may have been born good but turned evil due to circumstance.

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If you’re spending more time fielding ugly thoughts than positive ones, it’s time to rethink your situation and pinpoint whatever’s triggering so much negativity.

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You could do a keg stand, funnel a beer, or make out with five guys in one night without worrying that someone might document your escapades, thereby compromising your future career prospects.

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Maybe you are addicted. But only inasmuch as you’re addicted to caffeine, and reasonable amounts of alcohol.

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13. Here’s the long and short of it: we don’t have our periods, we just don’t want to have sex with you.

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God forbid I accidentally follow her, or retweet, “favorite,” or “like” something she posts

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Exercise restraint

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I go through phases where, in the foggy dreamlike state before sleep, I begin tapping out text messages over and over, detailed explanations for how I would like our imaginary relationship to proceed, messages that are painstakingly edited dozens of times before I finally delete them.