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I’ve caught two teenagers fucking inside the theater for ‘The Crazies.’ Sort of poetic, really.

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Manson took Scientology classes and then murdered a bunch of people, after deciding that Scienology was “too crazy” for him. Process that.

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This week in Alamogordo, New Mexico, a man who apparently wanted to get back at his ex-girlfriend for aborting their unborn child ran a billboard that reads “This Would Have Been A Picture Of My 2-Month Old Baby If The Mother Had Decided To Not KILL Our Child!” Next to the text is the man – 35-year-old Greg Fultz – holding a black silhouette of an infant in his arms.

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Another lady showed off her stockpile of cat food. “We don’t have any cats,” she said, laughing. The mind reels, struggling to discern rationality in the irrational, stewing in its juices, spinning its wheels on an oily slick road of illogic and madness. As a pear-shaped woman says something like, “I love my stockpile almost as much as I love my family,” you may begin bleeding from the eyes.

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Those blessed with foresight and an healthy amount of paranoia have been awaiting the Rapture for years, and have prepared by accepting Jesus into their hearts. Jesus will reward this dedication by granting 200 million or so people some complimentary mineral water and a cushy spot in Heaven, while the rest of the 6.7 billion Jews and sodomites get left behind on Earth.

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Maybe you’ve heard, Saturday is doomsday. Family Radio founder Harold Camping says so, though his Judgment Day math has been wrong in the past. Regardless, Family Radio’s publicist Tom Evans is working the angle hard, hoping for the worst. To mock such a terrible prediction, however, feels a bit like tempting fate. What if Camping and his sandwich-board believers have insider knowledge on Armageddon?

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It must be a by-product of dense city living, because I’ve never seen a person lose it in the suburbs. Whether it’s the stress of home and work demands, or a lack of personal space, it always amazes me how people can be so publicly on edge and ready to snap, even at seven in the morning. Here are the best lines I’ve heard over the years.

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A cursory glance at the internet and other fringes of public information over the past few weeks has informed us that some religious people think the world is going to end this weekend. No, wait, even better – they think that on May 21 Jesus is going to arrive and gather up everyone who believes in him and take them to Heaven.