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“A lot of people want Ted Cruz to win, but are we ready for a President that’s a melting candle?”

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“Donald Trump’s favorite chapter of the Bible is obviously Chapter 11.”

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“Critics say it’s illegal for Donald Trump to run for president while hosting a TV show. It’s also illegal to run for president if your hair wasn’t born in this country.”

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“For what seemed like 15 agonizing minutes, Mike Sweeney, the head writer of “Conan,” angrily and loudly denied those were my jokes.”

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There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.

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Let’s all support #LateLateNormNorm and make late-night TV dangerous again.

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Great story.

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At 26-years-old, Louis was already stealing the show.

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This is not the yellow “Futura” font you’re looking for. Ha. …That, um, was meant to be a Wes Anderson joke. Or a “Star Wars” joke. Whatever, man; I just work here, you know?

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Don’t ever forget that the relationship you’re in is one you’ve chosen to be in, one that defines part of your life, for a week or a month, ten years, or maybe even forever.