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Here, ranked in order from most to least expensive, are super-lame yet super-rare vinyl LPs that cost more than your monthly rent.

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They don’t understand why you won’t let go of that tattered sweatshirt you’ve loved to literal shreds.

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I’m sure you’re doing the best you can.

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“Baby talk. I want you to sound like a woman, not a child.”

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Sometimes bad decisions last forever—or at least until you can afford a coverup.

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“I posed for a private all-female Catholic college as a figure model for their art class and got a boner.”

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“I have hidden a tiny speaker in an adjacent cubicle wall that emits a soft cat meow every two hours.”

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Your Barbies won’t make it out alive.

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“I once held hands in a circle with nine other guys while we both danced to and sang along with Shania Twain’s ‘I Feel Like a Woman.’”

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The way you get good at tennis, comedy, music, nutrition, relationships, is the way you get good at business, success, living a long and healthy life.