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Every time you have to go to the doctor, you find yourself texting your parents, “Can you make the appointment for me???” The idea of actually picking up the phone and talking to a real, live human being is terrifying to you.

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“Touching me anywhere at all. Men: sit on your hands if you have to but do not touch a girl on the first date. She will touch you if she likes you.”

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Here, ranked in order from most to least expensive, are super-lame yet super-rare vinyl LPs that cost more than your monthly rent.

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They don’t understand why you won’t let go of that tattered sweatshirt you’ve loved to literal shreds.

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I’m sure you’re doing the best you can.

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“Baby talk. I want you to sound like a woman, not a child.”

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Sometimes bad decisions last forever—or at least until you can afford a coverup.

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“I posed for a private all-female Catholic college as a figure model for their art class and got a boner.”

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“I have hidden a tiny speaker in an adjacent cubicle wall that emits a soft cat meow every two hours.”

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Your Barbies won’t make it out alive.