“

“Touching me anywhere at all. Men: sit on your hands if you have to but do not touch a girl on the first date. She will touch you if she likes you.”

“

Here, ranked in order from most to least expensive, are super-lame yet super-rare vinyl LPs that cost more than your monthly rent.

“

They don’t understand why you won’t let go of that tattered sweatshirt you’ve loved to literal shreds.

“

I’m sure you’re doing the best you can.

“

“Baby talk. I want you to sound like a woman, not a child.”

“

Sometimes bad decisions last forever—or at least until you can afford a coverup.

“

“I posed for a private all-female Catholic college as a figure model for their art class and got a boner.”

“

“I have hidden a tiny speaker in an adjacent cubicle wall that emits a soft cat meow every two hours.”

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Your Barbies won’t make it out alive.

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“I once held hands in a circle with nine other guys while we both danced to and sang along with Shania Twain’s ‘I Feel Like a Woman.’”