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Watching anyone else eat a “Gogurt.” Brb, Still having nightmares.

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1. You’re not fat.

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My goal, if I can get Hollywood to listen, is that by 2020 nobody will have access to films made by men.

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Your parents are questioning your sexuality.

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We shall discover herein analytical aspects of our subject, punctuated by commentary of a more personal sort, starting right here with a description of the emotional status necessary to get Cheetos Puffs. One does not wish to live any longer, but still wants their final moments filled with joy.

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You know what the most fascinating thing about gamers is? They get laid. You think they wouldn’t because they kind of all look like smooshed gumballs, but they do because they only have each other. Gamers don’t breed outside of their kind because they’re A. so isolated and B. a non-gamer would never be able to tolerate their lifestyle.