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The name they picked is the name they’ll have to coo when they’re deeply in love with their new baby. That is the name they’ll have to say sternly when they’re grounding the kid. That is the name they thought was a good fit for their baby — not yours.

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Since the majority of us will never get the opportunity to be named by an eccentric celebrity, here’s a helpful chart to help you discover what your celebrity baby name would be.

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On the plus side, Apple Martin won’t have the dumbest name at the playdate anymore.