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What do Bill Kristol, Jeb Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Ted Cruz, and Glenn Beck all have in common? Donald Trump has destroyed their will to live.

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13. Not to be rude, but aren’t all Americans fat?

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1. Insist that Canada isn’t really a country.

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4. Say sorry for things they didn’t even do

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All Canadians love using the n-word multiple times, and they love to tell racist jokes. There’s a false belief that saying the n-word is okay if it ends in “a.” Guess who invented that? Canadians; who end everything with “a.”

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Cats only shed their fur when they contemplate the fleeting nature of life. Each cat is like a tiny Jean-Paul Sartre.

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Movies about university make it seem like everyone at university is literally having sex with someone all the time, usually shortly after a naked mudfight in a bathtub full of jello in the middle of a frat party with Luke Wilson and Tara Reid, or superbly drunk in some awkward situation with a pair of twins while the love of their lives is downstairs looking for them and crying or something, or on a road trip, or in an art gallery, or the library, or absolutely everywhere, all the time.

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I was in my car and on my way to buy an Airport Express when my lung collapsed. I decided to go ahead with the purchase, partially because I wasn’t sure what was happening to me, and partially because I had driven 45 minutes in traffic to get to the computer store.