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Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.

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My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!

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RIP, Stephen Hawking.

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Are you having a natural childbirth? Why, yes—in that it’s completely natural to take drugs to alleviate excruciating pain!

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Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

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I swear I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth again.

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When you rearrange the letters in “elections results”: Lies, let’s recount!

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In the morning I have great and impossible aspirations. The first rush of caffeine hits and I am teeming, an overflowing bouquet of ideas, flowers pushing up and out of vases. Today is the day.