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I’m gonna slap your mouth and call you a dirty lying son of a bastard if you try to claim that Velveeta con salsa, or (praise Cheesy Jesus) Velveeta Shells and Cheese aren’t some of the tastiest gnoshes you could gnosh while in your sweatpants on the couch watching Battlestar Galactica on Netflix.

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There is one element that all of my failed relationships share. Through all the many variations of womanhood that I have been familiar with, but a single thread carries through all of these dalliances. They involved a heavy amount of physical intimacy.