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Sometimes, blowjobs are a chore. I totally get that. But they’re also a fun opportunity to practice your skills and make your dude freak out.

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“Twenty minutes is a looooong time for someone to have to go down on a girl. If she’s wanting more than that then she’s just being greedy.”

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Whenever she started to play with my balls, I would usually just close my eyes, stay quiet and fantasize about another time when a girl gave me better head.

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“He takes forever to cum and I got sick of it. I would give him blowjobs every other day if he could figure out how to cum in like 7 minutes.”

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See, boys (and reality) kind of suck. I witnessed dreamy, life-after-blowjob love tales in Saved by the Bell and Boy Meets Girl amid my tender, overly sculpted youth and their numb-minded oral sessions almost always resulted in forget-me-not, lovers forever storylines.

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He’s not going to cum if you’re just licking his dick daintily as if it were a candy cane on Christmas.

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Something about a popsicle, or lollipop. The different techniques of hand placement and tongue movement. I was fascinated, making mental notes.

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“In high school I was at a movie with my girlfriend and her family. Her parents were in the row in front of us and she went down on me. “

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“You should always start playfully. Don’t be too quick at it. You should act like this is all you want in the world.”

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He grabbed his drink off the nightstand and poured a bit into my mouth before kissing me and sucking the taste of whiskey off my tongue.