“

It was Halloween so everyone was in costume. This one dude was dressed as jack sparrow. Cops come in and the guy, who was super hammered at this point stands right next to an open window and says “you’ll always remember this as the day you almost caught jack sparrow,” proceeds to jump out the second story window and break his leg.

“

1. Cropping your significant other out.

“

Nine years ago, I put myself in a bad situation. I was assaulted because of x, y, and z – and as long as I don’t do those things, it probably won’t happen again. The attack itself made me feel helpless, but seeing it this way gives me control.

“

A hangover is beginning to sink over me like a wet blanket of regret. I need coffee. Or food. Maybe both.

“

The next morning, I woke up early and gathered all my stuff before he woke up. I took the bus home smelling like Jack Daniels and cigarettes, and avoided everyone’s eyes. I took a long, hot shower, scrubbed every bit of myself, and fell asleep for the rest of the morning.

“

We cried until we came to our senses, realizing: we had work to do.

“

“Hold It Against Me”, the lead single off of Britney’s latest record Femme Fatale, effectively sets the tone for the rest of the album. It’s a slice of weird, futuristic dance pop that sounds like someone rolling on Ecstasy in the year 2050.

“

Lacking a certain degree of consciousness when choosing potential sleeping locations is a great way to save an otherwise normal night of self-destructive intoxication from becoming just another blacked-out waste of a story. Nobody really cares how trashed you were last night but it may be interesting to know where it took you.