“

After nearly two weeks here, I really feel a part of the MacDowell community. Last night’s dinner and tonight’s were both enjoyable; I’ve heard a lot of interesting talk, particularly from the visual artists. It’s interesting to get the perspective of people from San Francisco and Chicago.

“

We made love until about 1 AM, and this morning the alarm woke us at 8:30 AM. It was terrific to hold someone in my arms that early, when I had the pleasure of being in a half-dreamy state. I hate to analyze our relationship; I just know it felt good.

“

Back at her apartment after dinner, we played around with Lori’s Macintosh for an hour. I put on my jacket to leave, kissed and hugged Ronna good night, and one kiss led to another. We were making out as much as you can when you’re both totally vertical until I finally took off my jacket and we went into her bedroom.

“

I can’t selfishly allow myself to get too close to her again. Why should I hurt her by being a sometime boyfriend? I’m gay, and that’s not going to change, and even if I’m not seeing any guys, I can never give Ronna the whole commitment she needs. We can always be friends as long as we both realize that’s all we can be. It would just be much easier if I didn’t have intense sexual feelings for her.

“

Josh says the AIDS test experience has changed his life. He no longer thinks about chasing women but wants to settle down with just one woman. And he wants to have kids; when he thought he tested positive and was told he couldn’t have children, it drove him crazy.

“

Josh got the word on his third AIDS test: “negative, negative, negative.” They now believe the first test was a clerical error. The doctors have told him there’s only an “infinitesimal chance” that these two negative tests are wrong, so now Josh feels he’s in the clear. As you’d expect, though, he now has tremendous sensitivity toward people with AIDS. And he plans to tell everyone not to take the antibody test.

“

Josh has a case of FRAIDS. For the past six months, he’s had a purplish thing on his chest, and all of a sudden he thinks it may be Kaposi’s sarcoma. Because of all the recent publicity, Josh started thinking about all the women he’s slept with, wondering who was most likely to give him AIDS.

“

Josh now realizes that Chloe was deceiving him for six months and he feels both sorrow and rage. For example, he and Chloe had a running joke that she was having an affair with The Refrigerator, the Chicago Bears football player: “How could she have joked about being with The Refrigerator the night before when she really was with this other guy?”

“

When I saw the self-addressed stamped envelope from the Florida Review, I could tell by the thinness of its contents that they’d accepted my story. The editor said it will appear in their summer issue and they’ll pay me $90. After six months and a dozen rejections, this story finally got accepted.

“

We made tentative plans for Saturday night. He said I should call him Saturday afternoon after he gets back from his facial. Can you see me with a guy who gets facials? I don’t even know any women who get facials! And then I feel like a creep for being so close-minded and wonder if I’m not a little homophobic myself.