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“There’s a lady…. she killed the kids…. they have to stay in the woods now.”

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WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU’RE EASILY UPSET.

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No matter how hard I tried to keep chapstick on their dry lips, or make sure they took their multivitamins during breakfast, or picked up their loose toys and put them in the chest, or swept the floor, I felt like I was never going to catch up.

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To anyone under 21, the main benefit of babysitting is access to a vast supply of free booze.

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No, this in no way actually prepares you for what you’re going to go through with your own kids one day.

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Think of the responsibility! Think of the patience! Think of the ability to bring in treats for your coworkers just because!

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If a 7 year old says you’re cool, really, there is absolutely no higher honor. You are cool. The children have spoken.

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8. Your cute voice was still cute.

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You know how you just gave up anything resembling privacy? What if I told you there is a building you can put your kids into for seven hours a day?

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Is your son a picky eater? Don’t worry! I can coax even the fussiest diner into eating his broccoli without ever having sex with him!