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No matter how hard I tried to keep chapstick on their dry lips, or make sure they took their multivitamins during breakfast, or picked up their loose toys and put them in the chest, or swept the floor, I felt like I was never going to catch up.

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You love these little guys. Not because they are your own and you have to, but because it comes naturally. You don’t have to love them, but you do.

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Plastered on the milk carton was a picture of what I recognized as me at an age so young my internal memory never ventured back there, probably about two years old, maybe three. The picture was tucked beneath the word MISSING and surrounded by information that was utterly foreign to me, including the name of the missing boy who looked exactly like me.

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Listen, I’ve told the cops my story three times now. You can keep asking but I’ll keep saying the same thing. I know what I saw – I’m not crazy.

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Here’s something I don’t advertise on my SitterCity profile: I hate children. But I do love video games and easy money, so that makes for a pretty smooth operation when it comes to taking care of other people’s kids for a few hours.

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3. Tom Cruise’s “wife.”

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He treated me like total gold — he was always buying me jewelry I didn’t want and ice cream I didn’t need, and he used to pull cute moves like decorating my car on Valentine’s day and planning elaborate birthday activities, all of which melted my malleable 16-year-old heart.

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I am not advocating that everyone go around with a lacrosse stick and beat their children into fun new shapes, but a solid smack on the behind for a kid who is clearly getting out of line is something that every parent should have in their back pocket. Trust me, you miss it when it’s gone.