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You should keep these five everyday items handy to help you survive and stay sane through almost any apocalypse.

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DO NOT WATCH SAVING PRIVATE RYAN STONED!

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3. Remember when Angelina Jolie wore Billy Bob Thornton’s BLOOD in a VIAL around her neck like a vampire? #NeverForget

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If today isn’t an end, and it isn’t, then it is a beginning.

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Were the Mayans on Eastern Standard Time? Central Standard Time? Is everything just going to happen all at once, or at midnight in each individual time zone?

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Listen up, Liv Tylers! Firstly, you probably have some deep psychological/ relationship problems if your dad is the (super hot) Bruce Willis but let’s put those aside for right now.

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It’s like that old cliché: when you run out of all other topics, the last resort of those trapped in an awkward conversation is to ask, “So, how about this weather we’ve been having?”

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How 18th century thinking about gun control relates to the 21st century is beyond my understanding, and with the massacre in Aurora, we are once again forced to ask the question, “Why aren’t there stricter gun control laws in America?”

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If those insane divas the Mayans are right, the world is totes gonna end in 2012, which is really…annoying. I don’t know about you guys but I was looking forward to getting a dog and a boyfriend and buying an expensive leather jacket or something. But now I can’t because the Mayans said so. Cool!

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By my cursory and inaccurate count, Michael Bay has killed me 109 times. In basements, on street corners, on park benches and in swimming pools, Michael Bay has been there, slashing and stabbing with the sort of abandon only a well-misunderstood artist is capable of.