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Earlier this week, two women were eating at an Applebee’s in Independence, Missouri when their server called the police on them.

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They are destroying the way that the world eats, drinks, and shops.

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TEXAS ROADHOUSE: The bread aspect of this operation is phenomenal, but the rolls know their role and recognize that Cinnamon Butter is the real MVP.

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1. The way people “meet each other” nowadays is, like, really weird. If you’re like me, you grew up watching movies where people made a romantic connection through a—gasp—face-to-face interaction.

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LOW MAINTENANCE APPLEBEE’S = Half-priced appetizers.
SUPER CLASSY APPLEBEE’S = Lemon wedge on the rim of your water glass.

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There are few things more American than chowing down at a chain restaurant–serving up life as it truly is, with a side of affordable prices to boot.

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At a rate that is far too shocking to actually calculate, I am opening more and more emails, business emails. PROFESSIONAL emails, where the writer has made the bold choice of selecting Comic Sans MS as their font.

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Drunk people are funny. Well, actually drunk people are idiots. And, yes, you are an idiot when you’re drunk, but that fact doesn’t seem to be so important when your six best friends are acting just as stupid as you are.

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Ever since you’ve been featured on TBS and starred in the Sex and the City movies though, your essence has gotten kind of fucked up. Instead of appealing to just women and gay men, 13-year-old girls from Ohio are emulating your frank sex talk at the local Applebees with their friends and it’s kind of frightening.

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Excuse me, but haven’t you heard of funemployment? Our generation can’t get jobs. It’s like a rule. After you graduate, you’re obligated to do nothing except complain about doing nothing. Gosh, it’s so hard. We’re just victims of horrible timing. I guess you’ll have to spend another day inside watching Reality Bites and totally relating. I mean, you could check Craigslist, but it’s so demoralizing.