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There’s a very pretty girl – about 22, I guess – who lives here. Last night her mother said, “My daughter thinks you’re very handsome.” “Has she seen an optometrist lately?” was my lame reply, but when I spoke to Delia today as she was sunning herself in front of their townhouse in a red bikini, I felt excited. I mean, I’m gay, but I’m not that gay.

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As Amira uses profanity freely in the best of times, she was pretty heavy with the four-letter words, which enraged Teresa, and a few blows were exchanged. After Teresa hit Amira, Amira pulled Teresa’s arm “out of the socket” and Teresa said she was in great pain. Half a dozen police cars lined up on the street as 18 – count ’em – NYPD officers came up to the apartment.

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I called Amira last night to find out how she was doing in Teresa’s apartment, and the answer was Not Too Good. She was in bed with a bad cold, for one thing. For another, she had been fired on Friday. But what really upset Amira was a phone call from Teresa, who’s planning on coming home in two weeks. Amira said Teresa is again “recklessly” moving, and in the process, hurting other people.

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Let’s just say that a bed that doubles as storage was super necessary considering the lack of space in my tiny bedroom.

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What a time! I write this as if I have regret now. As if now I’m missing things. I’m not.

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I had everything I needed and was ready to go – ready to start over.

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iPod on shuffle and 1 out of every 3 songs is a track from a Dane Cook stand up CD.

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*Based on real emails

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2. You will never meet the landlord. Ever. I’ve brainstormed some possible explanations: he works out of state, he is undergoing inpatient therapy, he is the Wizard of Oz.