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This dude thinks he is straight-up Jesus walking on water. He thinks he invented the wheel. He can’t walk past a mirror without winking at himself.

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1. It’s the best unintentional comedy ever.

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The fact that I can hurt someone and not feel any remorse is probably one of my best “gifts” I have developed.

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Before we finally went to bed, you loaned me a beat-up tee shirt with some paint stains from when you painted your apartment back when you first moved to Manhattan in 2011. We ended up talking about our experiences in New York, and we totally agreed on how it’s a great place to be when you’re young, but unless you’re a “bajillionaire,” it’s not really a feasible place to raise kids.

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If you’re the kind of dude who likes to spend your lunch breaks at Subway, chances are that you’re looking for someone who will appreciate a nice, cheap foot-long.

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I know my pick.

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Here’s what I’m thinking and feeling, before, after, and during my workout, presented to you in Patrick Bateman/’American Psycho’ GIF form.

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This means there’s nothing transcendent about our love. You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals: there’s no higher power governing our humanly affairs, except utility.