If You Talk About Running All The Time, You’re Lying And An Idiot

Everyone likes to get a pat on the back. When no one is willing to provide this positive reinforcement, (because no one cares) the weak human will then take to various forms of social media and intermediate-form blogging to self-medicate.

Runners take this idea, and elevate it to new self-important heights. While taking a rare break from masturbating to an Asics catalogue, the runner will ceaselessly post route maps, training updates, and inspirational quotes from people who are actually athletes.

When Pheidippides supposedly ran the first marathon in 490 B.C., he had a mission. He had to report battle information to Athens. Do you think he carbo-loaded? I doubt they had enough food. He probably got to Athens, had sex with a boy, and then died. It also likely didn’t happen at all.

Frequently mentioning about a particular activity is a consistent sign of its not having the desired effects. So, basically, if you post about running a lot, you have doubts as to its efficacy. People run to get in shape. So, you’re not in shape. You’re probably an overweight pescetarian who doesn’t understand why replacing chicken with pasta and girl scout cookies hasn’t earned you the thigh gap.

There are two issues at play here. One is that running is a lame, albeit effective, form of exercise. Two is that people would create and project a false image before actually reaching the associated goals.

To the first point – distance running is not a skill to be proud of. You’ve developed it from repetition and nothing else. There is limited strategy involved, and it will never change. You can be proud of your will-power and other mental characteristics strengthened through practicing nearly anything. If you actually have will-power, it will be apparent and you will not need to talk about it all the time. Remember, you are sharing a distance you ran. No one cares.

Scenario One

Imagine you’re at a house party. In this house party, there is a piano and a treadmill. A musician goes to the piano and starts playing. It piques everyone’s attention. He sings, and people sing along. Everyone is having fun.

You, the runner, then think, “Well, I’m really good at running!” You go to the treadmill and proceed to run for two hours. No one cares, and you are never invited to anything again.

Scenario Two

You and some friends are sharing YouTube videos. Someone shares a video of Naadia Comaneci’s perfect round. Everyone is awestruck.

You then say “You’ve GOT to check this out” and you show the last ten miles of someone running the New York Marathon.

You can imagine what happens. Again, no one cares.

To the second, intentionally deceptive point: running is a sport for people who can’t play sports. Remember that, next time you see some girl waddling down the street decked out in Lululemon pants and a t-shirt with a caveman on it. Remember that, next time there is a running post accompanied by a photo of someone from the shoulders up, neck unnaturally craned to create an illusion.

If you want to run, fine. It’s better than nothing, but if you were intelligent, you’d probably pick something else. Regardless, cease inundating people with bullshit about your “exercise” especially if you clock 30 miles per week yet remain overweight. If you really were what you pretend to be, you wouldn’t have to talk about it.

I had more to say, but I have to get up to New Haven to dedicate a new squash court. Now there’s a real sport.