I was perusing this cesspit of diminished literary aptitude and came across an article entitled 11 Vintage Style Items That Make Every Man Sexy. I truly respect and appreciate the author’s efforts to provide her romanticized concept of what men should be, doubtlessly inspired by a steady diet of old movies and desperate searches for Mad Men-themed gay pornography.
As an upstanding member of today’s egalitarian society, it’s my duty to provide the male perspective to any women who may be wondering what vintage or obscure items will make them sexy. I apologize that I am only providing five, but women’s fashion is a constantly changing extortive enterprise and most things should stay dead.
1. A Scarlet Letter
Slut-shaming, an entertaining way to demean others, has a long and storied history. Nathaniel Hawthorne’s writing has made it a key aspect of American education. He missed the point. It should be a badge of pride. Obfuscation of one’s romantic intentions is a frustrating aspect of courtship. There is often unnecessary coyness or a paralyzing amount of fear involved in clearly stating what you want and expect. There is nothing sexier than a woman who knows who she is, knows what she wants, and is proud to let the world know.
2. Foot Binding
As a vintage fashion enthusiast, I’m thrilled to see modern, liberated women flocking to contemporary foot binding technology as developed by Christian Louboutin and Jimmy Choo. For Mr. Choo, who was named “world’s most outstanding Chinese designer” by the Hong Kong Design Center in 2011, the restoration of this practice has a particular cultural significance. It is thought to have been developed during the Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms period in Imperial China, though it reached its zeitgeist during the Song Dynasty. In spite of consistent opposition, it didn’t phase out until the early 20th century. Kudos to Jimmy Choo for inspiring a renaissance in this noble Chinese art during China’s greater economic and cultural 21st century ascent.
3. The Diaphragm
Men often complain about having to use condoms. They’re a necessary evil, especially to prevent unnecessary evils borne in those who wear the scarlet letter. Equality is the desired modern paradigm, so why not spread the burden? A woman who takes the initiative is a sexy woman, and there’s no clearer initiative than putting a spring loaded latex cup into your vagina and leaving it there for several hours.
4. The Corset
Sara Blakely, founder of Spanx, is another entrepreneur proving the adage “what’s old is new again”. Her “foundation garments” appealing to a broad swath of the population fully aware that nothing good has ever come from a commitment to personal fitness, are the modern day corset. Why make any effort to get things to actually fit when you can slide into a sausage casing and force things to fit? The corset can help you fraudulently achieve that ideal “hourglass” figure. The respiratory trouble is well worth it to appear better kept than you actually are.
5. The Muumuu
The modern woman is all about eliminating constraints, and the muumuu is a perfect fashion metaphor. These shapeless sheets have holes for your arms and head, allowing unfettered access between hand and mouth. If you are concerned about your body shape, why not just say “fuck it” and be shapeless. It’s extraordinarily sexy when a woman blows off conventional notions of aesthetically pleasing form and blazes her own boxy trail.