The other week I went home with an RCAB – just proving that the system works. When we woke up, I noticed that the bed had been wet. My first instinct was to blame it on her, but since I couldn’t remember her name I decided to be upstanding and claim responsibility. I’m not without morals – when I piss in a girl’s bed I take her to dinner. Thankfully, her name could be spelled a variety of ways, so I was able to ask “how do you spell it?” and still come off like I’d ever been attentive.
I took her to a nice place. She wore a shirt that said “Hollister Surf Team”. She’s from California, so I figured that was a school. I don’t know much about California. Maybe their schools have surf teams instead of sailing teams. I asked her about it, and she replied; “No, it’s a clothing brand, you should check it out”.
After dinner I looked it up and wanted to vomit. I hadn’t been so nauseous since I found out that my managing director went to Rutgers. They offer “So Cal inspired clothing for Dudes and Bettys”. My mom’s name is Betty. She’d send my sister to parochial school before outfitting her in that Venice Beach harlot-wear.
The sad thing is that she was otherwise tolerable. My banking instincts kicked in. I was presented with a great buy-low, sell-high commodity here. I just had to figure out how to pump up her value. Here’s my experimental methodology. Thanks to Kristina Zias for the template.
1. Get To Know Why She Dresses The Way She Does
There are a lot of possibilities here. Maybe her parents are engineers. Maybe her parents are happily married and didn’t have to present their children with gifts to curry favor. Maybe she was never a debutante. These are all unfortunate, but correctable. It’s important to listen, more important to pretend to commiserate. Her upbringing sounded like an Eastern Bloc horror story. 600 people in her high school graduating class? That’s more people than I walked with in college. Not everyone has the same advantages in life, but that can be overlooked here. We’re trying to get maximum ROI. You want to bring her up from the bottom. Get to know her reasoning, and fix it. Or, at least lie and say that you’re allergic to Gucci Rush.
2. Surprise Her With Clothing You Like
If you have a modicum of taste, this will be expensive. Let’s look at the capitalization rate, though. Your cost is simply the price of what you buy. The operating income is potentially infinite. Ever try to do a valuation on your friends telling you how hot your piece is? It breaks all accepted models. Go out and buy her some stuff. Don’t bring her. It’s been established that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. If you’re lucky, your parents’ Bergdorf rewards account will have a balance sufficient to do this without spending too much of your own money.
3. Offer Words Of Encouragement
This rush of proper apparel may make her uncomfortable. She may feel like she’s not being herself. This is good. It’s the whole point. Provide encouragement, like “Wow, people will actually believe that you went to Groton!” or “No one will guess that you’ve never been to a Cotillion!” Trust me, it will work. All girls want to be fake princesses.
4. Invite Her Somewhere She’ll Have To Dress Up
She was supposed to dress up for our first dinner. In fact, she’s supposed to dress up all the time. Not necessarily formal, but dressed. A guy I used to sail with had an engagement party at his parents’ club. I decided to bring her along for a trial run. She was a little nervous, but I reminded her of how presentable I’d made her. She did great! All the girls wanted to talk to her, and were so impressed. Even better, they were jealous of how generous I was to her and wanted my attention. The guys all asked where I’d found her. “NESCAC alumni event at some bar in the village that Clay rented out.” “Nice pull, Tad”. It was a great night. The guys were impressed, and I sewed some seeds for some future strange.
5. Slowly Get Rid Of The Clothes You Don’t Like
This is tricky. I’m a catch and release guy. You can do her some favors, like pouring most of her perfume down the toilet and throwing away anything by Michael Kors. I typically run into problems when I’ve so thoroughly rehabilitated her that she wants more after I’ve decided to cut it off. This can be annoying, but remember that these are charity cases. Let her keep most of her old stuff. When you leave, she doesn’t reflect on you anymore. Hopefully she’ll use the information you’ve provided and continue to make herself presentable.