One of the main reasons why we don’t feel worthy is because we base our sense of value on others. We place their expectations and ideas about who we should be on a pedestal and make it a centerpiece of our universe.
Unconsciously, we do our best to be perceived as we assume others want us to see. Especially, when we want to be loved, we tend to overdo it by proving our worth to the partner. To ensure they can see our best self, we often go a distance to put on a shiny mask to cover our vulnerability.
We judge particular aspects of ourselves as inadequate and bury them deep so that no one can see them. Albeit we may display our smiley essence on the surface, inside, we feel worthless because we’re well aware of these aspects of ourselves.
Seeking external validation for our value is the major culprit for not feeling worthy.
A typical scenario of such behavior can be meeting a new guy. As you want to be with them, you believe that you need to prove your worth to them – by being always happy, cool, and confident. Moreover, deep within, you may worry that if you don’t try hard, you’ll escape from their mind, so you send them a text when you know you shouldn’t.
If they reply to your text, you get the reassurance of your worth, and you feel temporarily worthy. If they don’t, you go into a self-judgment and you interpret it as the target of your attention isn’t interested because you’re not good enough.
Thus you allow others to define the relationship you have with yourself. It’s a hidden form of addiction. When we receive the validation and acceptance, we get a confidence boost, but if we don’t receive it, we go into self-judgment.
Can you see how this dependency impacts the way you see your worth?
The same codependency behavior can show up at school with your teachers, parents, friends, or business. By thriving to display our worth, we overcomplicate life and go into the struggle mode. Unintentionally, we push people away from us because they can sense the insecurity that emanates from our behavior.
Thus when we feel unworthy, we oversell ourselves by twisting our image into the shape that we think others desire to see.
Making our worth dependent on others is a vicious circle. Sometimes we get the boost of validation and other times we don’t, and we let it alter the way we feel about ourselves. It’s like going down the rabbit hole which will always make us doubt ourselves.
To break this vicious circle, we can change our perception of our worth as something that comes from within and is independent on anyone else.
It’s only you who decides your value. Can you imagine the freedom when no matter what someone responds to you, you will stand by your side and not let it determine your worth?
Or when you text the person you’re interested in, but before sending the text you regain your inner balance and realize that no matter what they reply, you’re already worthy and if that person can’t see it, someone else will.
How would your life be different if you don’t try to be seen in a particular way and instead allow yourself to embrace who you are?
Here is a little mind trick to help you anchor your new sense of worth. You can imagine yourself as a tall and grounded cypress. A cypress is rooted so deep that no storm or heavy winds can remove it from its roots.
Just like the cypress, you can also become deeply rooted within yourself, so no one moves you and your worth around. Whenever you feel insecure or craving external validation, you can turn your attention back to yourself and ask yourself how you want to feel and who you want to be in this situation.
It’s about the art of refocusing on your inner world rather than being dependent on the outer world. If you’re in a situation that makes you feel insecure, you can breathe deeply into your belly and imagine your strong roots emerging through your feet.
Remind yourself that no one pushes you where you don’t want to go even if it’s a person who you love.
You have the power within to be as strong and grounded as the cypress is.