When They Say They No Longer Love You, Look To The Ones Who Still Do

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Sydney Sims / Unsplash

I wrote an article recently about how damaging it was to hear the sentence “I’m no longer in love with you.” I wrote about how it was the second time I had heard this in my life. I wrote about how blindsided I felt. How unloved I felt in a single millisecond, on a Sunday at 1 p.m.

I immediately began bawling when I read that message. I reached out to my people. People in California, people in my hometown, people in my new town, people in my college town, people in another country, and people in the room right next to mine. I subconsciously knew they would love me even if this one person I put so much weight on to make me feel wanted and loved no longer did. I received message after message and phone call after phone call from people in my life drilling into my mind how loved I actually was.

I was so caught up in the moment of one individual, who played a realistically small role of my life, telling me I was unloved that I did not allow myself to find comfort in the fact that I had dozens of other individuals surrounding me, reminding me, supporting me, and most of all loving me. I wasn’t grasping the amount of love I already had in my life.

Then it hit me: all I needed were these people, these rocks in my life. They were the definition of unconditional love.

So to the girls who have experienced the feeling of being told they are no longer loved in the way they thought: you are. It’s plain and simple. Look at your friends who will write you novels reminding you of your worth. Look at your mother or your father who will remind you that you are unconditionally loved to your very core. Look at your coworkers who will remind you that you are respected and valued. Take all of these amazing perspectives and try to remember that your worth is NOT summed up in a single sentence from a boy who probably isn’t even capable of loving himself. Your worth is summed up by who you are and supported by the incredible people you surround yourself with.

I am unconditionally loved by (almost) all the individuals in my life. That is the only love I need. THAT is the only validation of my worth that I need. The only validation YOU need. That is the only chapter you need to keep open for the rest of your life.

Before I am able to close the chapter of this heartbreak I want the boy who began this domino effect of unworthiness and absence of love to know something else other than the obvious: I don’t blame you…

I don’t blame you for falling out of love.

I don’t blame you for recognizing your feelings.

I don’t blame you for being scared to tell me.

I understand that we are all human and the only consistency in our lives is change. Weather changes, seasons change, people change, emotions change. It’s a matter of life that, as much as it may be unpleasant and painful at times, is necessary. But one thing we do have control over is how we handle these episodes of emotional change. You had control over how this would play out and you butchered it so poorly. For that I blame you…

I blame you for handling this the way you did.

I blame you for leading me to believe you felt a different way.

I blame you for blindsiding me.

I blame you for sending me a text that said those seven words I feared most.

As much as I understand we are human and things change, I do not understand the immaturity and spitefulness of telling someone you once loved you do not love them anymore. I do not understand your thought process that led you to believe it was a good idea to tell someone who you knew was already hurting that they were unloved. I do not understand how you could overlook the huge details of a fragile personality you once knew so well and allow yourself to say the one thing you knew couldn’t be tolerated. I need you to understand these key things about me the next time you consider making someone feel unloved…

I am familiar- I once knew you so well, but I don’t know you anymore – and that’s okay.

I am breakable – I allowed you to see my insecurities – and that’s okay.

I am capable – I know that I will be able to learn from this even though I will likely never be able to think of you the same – and that’s okay.

I am vivid – you showed me your true colors which were nothing compared to the palate I believed you were – and that’s okay.

As long as you understand these things about me I want you to know this: I do not want to end this chapter of my relationship with you by telling you I hate you, or that I regret us because I don’t whatsoever. That’s why this hurts so deeply.

Instead, I want to end this chapter of our relationship by thanking you for allowing me to recognize the following lessons that will hopefully reach other broken individuals dealing with a similar situation:

It is okay for emotions to change.

It is not okay to violate someone’s insecurities you are aware of.

But most importantly: It is okay for someone to fall out of love, this does not by any means indicate that the other party is unloved. This only means that you are no longer loved by someone who is a stranger now. And that is all you need to remember.

And if you, as the reader of this final chapter ever forget this just know … I love you, I’ve been there, I feel it now, and you are so worthy of being loved. Close this chapter and continue to love the next person like you should have been loved before.

This is the end of my chapter of heartbreak. TC mark

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