This Is What Goes Through My Head At Night Because Of You

None of the others who have left me have left me as shattered as you did. I feel tired. I feel exhausted. I feel finished. And I feel done.

I’m tired of waking up every day and questioning how many times you are going to cross my mind within that terrifying 24-hour window. I’m tired of stopping people mid-sentence when they ask me about you because I know it will send me down a rabbit hole of sadness that I, somewhat, feel like I have made progress getting out of. I’m tired of knowing I need you out of my life but not having the strength to delete you on social media. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t care about the other guys who ask me out even though they are amazing people. I’m tired of feeling like this process is much harder for me than it has been for you. I’m tired of feeling irrational.

I’m exhausted from mourning the loss of a person who is still alive. I’m exhausted from the small glimmer of hope I hold onto that you will reach out to me and tell me you want me back. I’m exhausted trying to convince myself about how much better I am than you. I’m exhausted from trying to minimize how strongly I felt for you. I’m exhausted from the time and energy my mind spends on thinking about minor reminders of you throughout the day.

I’m finished feeling like I wasn’t worth your time. I’m finished feeling like you have moved on to someone else, wondering what she had that I didn’t. I’m finished rehearsing the conversations I wish we were having. I’m finished looking up to see if you have unfollowed me yet. I’m finished being scared of another man touching me because it isn’t you. I’m finished zoning out on dates wishing it was you sitting in front of me.

I’m done wasting my days dreaming about our future. I’m done fantasizing. I’m done allowing you to unconsciously control my life even though you don’t want me in yours. I’m done reminding myself that you love me because if you did this note wouldn’t be written. I’m done continuously falling in love with you although you’re probably in bed falling in love with someone else. I’m done wishing the best for you. I’m done reading quotes rationalizing loss and making it seem like a learning experience. I’m done thinking that “maybe if I lost weight, maybe if I posted a stunning photo, maybe if I act like I’m having the time of my life”, you’ll notice me again. I’m done being pathetic.

And although I can write all these affirmations and confessions down I know I will wake up tomorrow to the thought of you and hope that one day you’ll notice me again.