1. Still photographs of your pet will no longer suffice.
No longer will the world accept half-assed pictures of your dog hanging out on the couch. We are now asking for full-on videos of him doing insanely cute things, like hugging a homeless kitten or sneezing while sleeping in a picnic basket. This is 2013, people. Step it up.
2. You have the civil responsibility to fully document every weird thing you see.
Let’s all make a pact to be good citizens and share videos of the bizarre stuff we witness, like the guy on the subway who’s playing flute in an outfit made entirely of vegetables. We might as well use this newfound social media format for the greater good, right?
3. The world appreciates shitty, grainy videos as much as it appreciates shitty, grainy pictures.
Listen, if your video’s gonna suck, don’t make us watch it. Just tweet about the fact that you’re at a Counting Crows concert and let that be that. Okay?
4. Do not take this as an excuse to offer a more in-depth analysis of what you’re eating for dinner.
If you want to brag about a multi-plated meal that you’ve paired with three wines, just scrunch everything together to fit it into frame. Do not attempt to virtually walk us around your entire dinner table via video camera. You and I both know that no one deserves to suffer that.
5. At least ten people a week need to accidentally post videos of themselves taking selfies.
Please stare into the video camera silently making a duck face. Please. Give us all something to live for.