Ah, St. Paddy’s — a time for us all to come together, dawn glittery green top hats, and chug Guinness ‘til we puke on each other. If you love these activities, then Happy Mid-March to you, and go with God! If you don’t, however, then I’d love to relieve you of a few responsibilities this year. Here are 5 things you don’t have to do this Sunday.
1. Drink green beer.
Since normal-colored beer isn’t the healthiest thing ever, it’s probably fair to assess that beer with loads of green food coloring in it isn’t necessarily what the doctor ordered either. You can just drink regular, normal beer, okay? For that matter, I’m allowing you to eat regular, normal foods as well. It’s a privilege, I know.
2. Stand in line at the most popular Irish bar in your city.
You don’t have to stand in line sober and cold for two hours only to finally enter a divey Irish pub that smells like Guinness-induced nightmares. If you want, you can go to a bar that’s a little more off the radar. You will actually be able to move there, and you might not end up with a torso drenched in Bud Light. I mean, no promises. Definite emphasis on the might.
3. Yell with all your might in everyone’s general direction.
Seriously, you don’t have to do that. You can talk at a normal volume. St Patrick will not smite you.
4. Pretend you’re Irish.
At the risk of sounding like a kindergarten teacher, it’s okay to be who you are, all right?! Pretending like you’ve magically taken on a new ethnicity for the day does not make you extra cool. It’s actually, in all honesty, a pretty weird choice in general. You do not have to make pretty weird choices in general.
5. Wear mixed shades of green from head to toe.
I recommend wearing some sort of green so that you don’t get mercilessly pinched, but there’s no need to dawn your forest green pants, lime colored tank, and rainbow swirl sneakers all at once. You don’t want to look like St. Patrick puked on you before you even got a chance to puke on yourself. I mean, that saint is always stealing your thunder, you know?