1. Make sure to start 2013 off with a crippling hangover. This way, you’ll be sure to eat 18 bagels and have 18 reasons to feel super good about yourself. New year, new you!
2. Keep your drinking streak up. You’ve been taking bottles of nice Pinot to the face for a week straight at your parents’ house, and then New Year’s Eve involved all of the fake champagne in the Northeastern United States. Why slow down now? It’s Thursday!
3. Instead of saving the cash you were given in decorative grandma envelopes, remember that you like jewelry and books and overpriced breakfast pastries. Buy these things. As February’s rent looms closer you can cry into bowls of ramen, but for now, be P. Diddy and purchase a white diamond-studded suit with silk lapels! You need one of those!
4. Since your mom sent you back to New York with an ominously large bin full of cookies, eat them. Who says you can’t act like a growing adolescent boy when you’re a 23-year-old lady?
5. Don’t forget to coddle the terrible cold you’ve been nursing since December 21st. It has now turned into a beautiful monster and you are a proud, glowing mother. Cough up some weird stuff, notice that your throat feels like a Persian knife dance, then follow numbers 1 through 5 all over again. You feel better already, right?!