5 Jobs I Would Absolutely Never Take

As someone in the world of acting, writing, and comedy, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m probably gonna have some weird-ass, random jobs in the future. However, that doesn’t mean I’ve resigned my standards. Here I stand before God and the internet, vowing that there are five jobs I will absolutely never take, no matter how desperate I get.

1. Driving a party bus.

This job requires you to be three things at all times: sober, focused, and responsible for the lives of young people. I am hardly willing to be these things under normal circumstances, let alone while Ke$ha is playing and free booze is being doled out. The poor people who have decided this career track is worth it need a hug, or at least a packet of earplugs and some disinfectant.

2. Serving at a restaurant where they I.D. everyone, even the 80-year-olds.

This job would necessitate that you have the same conversation over and over until you just gave up and drowned yourself in a vat of cheesy spinach dip. “May I see your I.D. sir? Yes, you heard me correctly, we I.D. everyone. Oh, I’m glad you’re flattered! You don’t look a day over 40! Bla bla bla barf!!” Also, a secondary concern: this kind of place has to have terrible management, right? I mean, if they insist you I.D. 80-year-olds, what else are they insisting on behind the scenes — boot camp drills? Forced marriages? No Shave Novembers? The possibilities are horrifically endless.

3. Personal assisting.

No, thank you on doing menial bullshit for a rich person. I’m annoyed enough when I have to purchase personal hygiene products for myself, or deal with my own money things; why would I want to complete these tasks for someone else? Plus, this “someone else” is most likely a total raging asshole, or at least enough of a douche to make you sad that they own three vacation homes.

4. Being Chris Brown’s travel agent.

I realize there is a very slim chance this opportunity will pass my way, but it’s worth mentioning because he would be the most frustrating client. Have you heard “International Love”? In a song whose title contains the word “international,” he literally only names New York, L.A., and Miami. As his travel agent, I imagine him calling me and saying “I’m tryna go somewhere rull lush and exotic. You got anything in Des Moines where the sun shine?” at which point I would reply, “Yes, the lawns of the county correctional center. Let’s hasten the inevitable before the world has to suffer from your ignorance any longer.”

5. Dog walking.

I understand why people fall into this gig — after all, “who doesn’t love animals!!!!!!!” and “it’s so flexible!!!!!1” However, let’s shove aside our visions of rolling around in a lush park with a baby labradoodle and actually examine the facts: your sole task is to drag around 10 animals on 10 separate leashes with the intentions of coaxing them to piss. If this situation doesn’t make you question your self-worth, nothing will. TC mark


image – Joep Roosen


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  • http://www.raymondthimmes.com raymondthimmes

    oh… :/

  • womp

    I’d totally be a dog walker.

    I would never ever be a street canvasser. I even hate myself when I talk to them.

    • Womp Womp

      I tried doing that for literally one day and wanted to die. Cheers to never canvassing again.

  • Carter

    you are an absolute idiot. one, don’t be such a snob. two, international love is a song BY pit bull FEATURING chris brown. and he mentions many other places, such as the Dominican Republic, Brazil, Greece, and Cuba. HA HA, joke’s on you, village idiot.

    • coolman65

      you won!

    • Michaelwg

      you sure showed her, with your knowledge of horrible music….

      • Leeza

        everyone hates a music supremacist. your taste could very well be shit to someone else’s ears

  • caulfield

    “If this situation doesn’t make you question your self-worth, nothing will.” Downright offensive! ..& idiotic! the ills implied.. I’m surprised this got published.

  • Michaelwg

    T.C readers are the most easily offended whiney little bitches, visit Syria for a week, please.

    • Sal

      I second vacationing in Syria, I just got back a few weeks ago. The whistle of shells through the air, the cries of dying protestors, the soft pitter-patter of distant machine gun fire. It was all very romantic. Sure it can’t beat the vacation I took to Afghanistan in the 80s (don’t go now, its been totally commercialized ugh) but a lovely trip all around.

      • Michaelwg

        So true. I’m there right now actually, and once you see a Chili’s in downtown Kabul….the magic dies.

  • Moe

    Worst article that I have ever read on here. You do comedy?

  • Rachel

    Wow, I never realized what morons read this blog. If you don’t like it people, don’t read it. I found this wildly hilarious. Idiots.

    • http://youlovemercedes.wordpress.com Mercedes

      It’s kind of hard to determine whether a piece of literature is good or not without actually reading it. Thus the reason I’ve never understood the “if you don’t like it, don’t read it” argument. How does that even make sense to you?

  • Gregor Samsa

    the 10 dogs at 10 times thing is just in movies. It’s more like you walk around with 1 dog next to you while it does its thing and you get paid 10 bucks for every half hour of that.

  • http://twitter.com/EarthToNichole Nichole J. (@EarthToNichole)

    I’ve had 3/5 of these jobs. Non of them were all that bad.

  • AliB

    I worked as a personal assistant for an aging 80s rock star…I spent my days making ridiculous phone calls that usually started with “I know this is probably impossible, but is there any way that [insert absolutely insane request from my employer].” As soon as they realized that I wasn’t calling for myself most people were very sympathetic.

  • Guest

    This did not go the direction I thought it would go. It had the potential to be kind of a whiney, privileged-sounding piece but it was actually amazing! Props, loved reading this.

  • Guest

    I typically enjoy your articles but found this one to be extremely pretentious and ignorant. While there are some jobs that I would prefer not to do, I am glad and most of all grateful that SOMEONE in the world is doing it and would certainty never look down upon them, as you seem to do in this article. It honestly baffles me how some of these articles even posted on TC. For shame, editors, for shame.

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