1. Speaking English. English is like the security blanket of languages — sure, it may be filled with holes, covered in PB&J, and encrusted with non-words like “gnarly” and “YOLO,” but it still allows us to land in any number of first-world countries and have the ability to communicate. Thanks for that one, England!
2. Rap music. The fact that we (a term I use very, very loosely) invented rap music makes me feel so many things, including but not limited to unprecedented pride and unbridled joy. As long as Europe provides the dance hits and we provide the talk of hos and hunids (that’s “hundreds” in standard English) all is musically right with the world. I think it was Mozart that first said that, no?
3. Being located just north of Mexico. Immigration debates can really be a downer, but god damn, taco platters are awesome.
4. Target. You can literally buy dairy products, children’s sports gear, patio furniture, pants, and all the Christmas trees your SUV can handle at the same time. Borderline concerning? Maybe. Indisputably awesome? Yes. Yes, it is.
5. We hold the world record for the fastest mile run while wearing swim fins. It’s important to have priorities.
6. Burgers and fries. Burger + heap of fries = magic trick in your mouth, and in my experience, the U.S. is the only place you can find it done right. This weekend, think about this devastating disadvantage the rest of the world is facing as you stand over your 400-pound electric grill feeling proud of what you’re capable of doing with fire.
7. Carly Rae Jepsen. Because it’s important to have something to laugh at.
8. The whole 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon. Because it’s important to have something to weep over.
9. The 50 States. States are pretty sweet because they give us the opportunity to juggle multiple identities. Not only do we get to identify as Americans, but we also get to be pot-smoking, dumb-sounding Californians or screaming, drinking, hunting Texans. I’m not reinforcing any stereotypes here, am I?
10. Our entrepreneurial environment. The amount of growing businesses in America is insane. I mean, there’s even a company that will charge you 10 dollars and then ship you a surprise in the mail. If that’s not innocent, capitalist fun, then I don’t know what is.