Most of us know there’s a little something out there called Facebook etiquette, consisting of unspoken rules such as changing your profile picture every day makes you look like a narcissistic 7th grader and if you’re liking my status after six years of zero communication, you’re towing a fine line, ya creep! These kinds of occasional faux pas are usually forgivable; however, there are a few types of Facebook friends that relentlessly knock at your online door bringing the inexcusable virtual douche. They are:
1) The Complainer
You know the type: they’re constantly claiming that “things just don’t seem to be getting any better…</3” or that they’re “looking for hope in every corner but only finding regret :(.” For the love of God, get up off of your ass and take a brisk walk or phone a friend, would you? I’ve got my own stuff to deal with, none of which involves you or your ex-boyfriend or your super mean parents or whatever.
2) The Model
If you model on the side (our lives are very different) and have a little album dedicated to your professional pictures, fine; this means I can gawk at them when I feel ready and willing, but don’t need to see them when I’m having the sort of day where my jeans won’t pull up past my thighs. However, if my newsfeed is constantly flooded with crisp photos of you dancing in fields with your hair looking like gold leaves and your skin glowing like a platter of shooting stars, please have some mercy and stop while you are very obviously ahead. My patience, self-esteem, and mediocre dye job can only take so much.
3) The Checks-in-Everywhere Type
Congrats on going to the grocery store!!!! What’s it gonna be next?? The couch in your significant other’s dark basement??? A public park??? The shopping center near the house you grew up in???? Whatever it is, be sure to keep us all in the know!!!!!!!
4) The Shameless Self-Promoter
To be fair, there are two kinds of self-promoters that I don’t mind at all; they are 1) my actual friends and 2) people who are doing really cool things that align with my interests. However, if you’ve recently taken up an innovative type of weaving and are trying to get your pillowcase company off the ground, please stop messaging me. My feelings toward you grow more violent with every “guys please support my new textile collection all the proceeds go to sick iguanas!!!!!!!!” addition to my inbox.
5) The Show-Off
An occasional status updated regarding something cool that just happened to you is well within the boundaries of acceptable Facebook behavior. However, if I find myself constantly being alerted to the 12-star hotel you just checked into, the truffle oil oysters a maid is feeding you, or the exotic spa at which you just got your pores removed, I will have no choice but to conclude that you’re an asshole. I mean, I’m sitting in a pair of 7-year-old cat-hair-covered pajamas watching Dateline. Have a little heart, would you?