Top 5 Worst Kinds Of Facebook Friends

Most of us know there’s a little something out there called Facebook etiquette, consisting of unspoken rules such as changing your profile picture every day makes you look like a narcissistic 7th grader and if you’re liking my status after six years of zero communication, you’re towing a fine line, ya creep! These kinds of occasional faux pas are usually forgivable; however, there are a few types of Facebook friends that relentlessly knock at your online door bringing the inexcusable virtual douche. They are:

1) The Complainer

You know the type: they’re constantly claiming that “things just don’t seem to be getting any better…</3” or that they’re “looking for hope in every corner but only finding regret :(.” For the love of God, get up off of your ass and take a brisk walk or phone a friend, would you? I’ve got my own stuff to deal with, none of which involves you or your ex-boyfriend or your super mean parents or whatever.

2) The Model

If you model on the side (our lives are very different) and have a little album dedicated to your professional pictures, fine; this means I can gawk at them when I feel ready and willing, but don’t need to see them when I’m having the sort of day where my jeans won’t pull up past my thighs. However, if my newsfeed is constantly flooded with crisp photos of you dancing in fields with your hair looking like gold leaves and your skin glowing like a platter of shooting stars, please have some mercy and stop while you are very obviously ahead. My patience, self-esteem, and mediocre dye job can only take so much.

3) The Checks-in-Everywhere Type

Congrats on going to the grocery store!!!! What’s it gonna be next?? The couch in your significant other’s dark basement??? A public park??? The shopping center near the house you grew up in???? Whatever it is, be sure to keep us all in the know!!!!!!!

4) The Shameless Self-Promoter

To be fair, there are two kinds of self-promoters that I don’t mind at all; they are 1) my actual friends and 2) people who are doing really cool things that align with my interests. However, if you’ve recently taken up an innovative type of weaving and are trying to get your pillowcase company off the ground, please stop messaging me. My feelings toward you grow more violent with every “guys please support my new textile collection all the proceeds go to sick iguanas!!!!!!!!” addition to my inbox.

5) The Show-Off

An occasional status updated regarding something cool that just happened to you is well within the boundaries of acceptable Facebook behavior. However, if I find myself constantly being alerted to the 12-star hotel you just checked into, the truffle oil oysters a maid is feeding you, or the exotic spa at which you just got your pores removed, I will have no choice but to conclude that you’re an asshole. I mean, I’m sitting in a pair of 7-year-old cat-hair-covered pajamas watching Dateline. Have a little heart, would you? TC mark

image – Shutterstock


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  • Kelly

    Also, the ‘professional’ photographer (I blame instagram). Whether it is the friend who takes a photo of every alcoholic drink they ever order OR the friend trying really hard to be ‘deep’ and ‘artistic,’ I find them all very annoying. Postings increase on Sunday Funday around brunch time.

  • Lynne Holyoke

    Please post this to your profile for a hour if you agree, or the puppy will die.

  • Frank Luzbet

    You forgot the teen mom who post a 1,000 pictures a day of her baby smiling or throwing food. How about you post a picture of your 12 month year old skydiving and maybe i’ll “like” it!

    • Christina

      Haha – not just the teen mom. The one from high school who’s popped out like ten babies not even a few years later.

    • Leah Cox

      Or the picture of the ultrasound scan.

      • She

        Or the picture of the pregnancy test

  • SaraLily

    then there is always The Blow by Blow or The Scheduler where all their statuses are step by step summaries of their day: “breakfast, shower, off to work, haircut after, and dinner with my boooooo” OK, we all have these “lives” what makes yours so different??

    • Tony F.

      lol my one friend’s girlfriend is exactly like that XD

    • diana salier (@dianasalier)

      YES these are the biggest offenders!

  • Michelle Drake

    Hokay i love and miss you
    -michelle, mimi, misha, mel, ya get the picture

  • jimjo

    this was stupid! fuck off with your etiquette! your just haters, re-read your shit!

    • Sydney R.

      * You’re

  • Adam Cantrell

    gee, you fit into number 1. without even reading the rest of your story. It’s all fucking vanity, you can either run with it or pussy-foot around, pretending like you’re too cool for the glee club that has become intardnet.

  • kkbrew

    While reading this, I laughed out loud three times. That’s a damn fine way to spend a couple of minutes. Thanks for the humorous, spot-on analysis.

  • Justina

    What about the girl who so desperately wants male attention that she posts sports updates constantly throughout games? Or the girl who always posts inspirational quotes to make her seem like such a positive person, you’ll want to be her friend? Or the fat girl who keeps getting ditched by her friends because she’s actually a terrible person and posts passive aggressive statements? Because I know someone who is all three.

  • Svenry

    The face in the thumbnail picture for this looks like Flula.

  • Iann

    What’s your problem?! Then delete your Facebook. You’re not the center of the universe that people would mind what you say about their Facebook pages. Or even how’d you feel about what they post. Read again what you wrote and you’ll realize how insecure you sound.

  • Pinion

    Fuck I hate it when people post food and babies. Your lives are so empty and meaningless.

  • MM

    you forgot the political ranter! I have SHIT LOAD of those! Most likely they are liberal and/or atheist. And I also have people who are SUPER religious and they share all those damn photos that say stupid things like “repost this or you hate god” and then they quote stuff out of the bible.

  • Nicole

    I hardly do anything on facebook, but one of my most annoying facebook friends posted this a few days ago: “Why has Facebook become an advice column where everyone seems to be trying to share words of wisdom? It is so irritating. Please stop it. If people want advice, they’ll ask! Seriously!”

    While I don’t necessarily understand the constant advice posters either, I find it funny that a) what she is very pissily posting is in fact advice and b) this is a woman who is always posting the most boring, pointless details of her life (“Happy Canada Day” (and she isn’t Canadian), “the sun woke me up”, “this is what I ate” etc.). I’d rather read someone’s “always look on the bright side” or whatever as opposed to the type of cereal she had for breakfast.

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