1. Leotard dresses
You know the type: those block-colored, skin-tight things baby-adults are forever wearing in American Apparel ads whilst creepily eye f-cking you. I know I shouldn’t stoop this low, but sometimes I just wanna eye f-ck people in a leotard dress, you know? Unfortunately, my ab muscles decided there were six more weeks of winter like 14 years ago, and I have hips and boobs. My life is so hard.
2. Winter hats
Winter makes my ears feel like they’re going to walk out on the rest of my head, but I refuse to invest in wool caps because they make me look like a fetus. I don’t want to look like a fetus. I want to look like a real adult. (Side note: the whole fedora thing doesn’t work on me either. Instead of looking like a fetus, I just look like a Jonas brother. Which is pretty much the same thing. So yeah, all hats make me look like a fetus.)
3. Ray bans
Ray bans are like potatoes or backyard pools or Forgetting Sarah Marshall — a wide variety of people enjoy them and understand how to appropriately apply them to their lives. It follows, then, that they look like total dick on me. The sunglasses that work best with my face shape usually look like a Spice Girl used to wear them on her day off — they are huge, pastel-colored, and often covered in gems. Basically, they’ve carved a niche out for me at Claire’s.
I can’t walk in them and I’m unwilling to sit on a bar stool my entire life with my legs and eyes crossed, so these are a no-go for me.
5. Clutch Purses
These make no sense to me — I carry purses so that I don’t have to hold anything in my hands, so why would I invest in a bag that I have to keep a grip on? Come on, it’s a Friday night and my hands are busy — the left one’s carrying a drink, and if the right one isn’t also carrying a drink its probably ironically slapping my friend’s ass or less ironically fist pumping in the air. My feelings about the handbag world just caused me to realize I’m a terrible person.
6. Flowy pants
I imagine these would be a fun thing to own because a) they’re so breathable you would feel as naked as a newborn and b) you could strap most of what you own to your legs and nobody would suspect a thing. Maybe I’m glad I can’t pull these off, though. I mean, they’re weird. They just are. Why is the fashion world always trying to coax us to wear weird things?
7. “Fun” eye makeup
Seeing as how I am 22 years old and still don’t know how to apply eyeliner, eye shadows in any shade that can’t be described as “natural” or “earthy” are pretty much out of the picture for me. Every season there’s a “new hip color for your lidz!!!!!!!!” and I hover in the corner with my 6-month-old, overly-ripe mascara wand like a lost 5-year-old in a mall. Where is my mother and the nearest pretzel stand? I’m tired of putting fancy things on my face.