There are only a few instances in which food brings me pain and suffering as opposed to comfort and pleasure.
a) when I’m forced to eat a bad example of one of my favorite foods — that feeling is pretty much akin to finding out that Santa Claus isn’t real
b) when slowly but surely my jeans get so tight that I have a hard time walking, and
c) when people just generally take an ax to the art of eating. Today, I would like to discuss the category that is “c.” So here it is: the strange food items and even stranger approaches to eating that truly and deeply concern me.
Every time I’ve attempted to give the whole “wrap” thing a go, I take a mere three bites before wondering why my sandwich is hiding inside of a burrito. For what reason has it chosen this disguise? The thing is this: If I want a burrito, I’ll order a burrito. If I want a sandwich, I’m gonna have a sandwich. Why you gotta go and make things so complicated? I see the way you’re acting like you’re somebody else, wraps, and it makes me frustrated.
2. Small Fancy Desserts
What the hell is this golf-ball-sized fruit-filled thing doing on my plate, and why does it look like it’s dressed up to go to Cinderella’s ball? Am I supposed to eat it or am I supposed to put it in an expensive glass box and place it on a mantle? Where, more importantly, is the giant gooey brownie with delicious and mysterious chunks in it that would actually pass for a legitimate savory treat? I have a lot of questions.
3. People who drizzle their fries with ketchup before eating them
What makes you think you’re getting all those fries covered evenly? What makes you think there’s not gonna be one fry with way too much ketchup on it and many fries with not nearly enough? DO YOU THINK YOU’RE A WIZARD?
4. The popular “take your Oreo apart, lick the center, then eat the cookie” approach
I know the cream filling is good, but why must you lap it up like a wild cat and then begrudgingly eat the chocolate cookies afterward as if it’s some sort of punishment?
Don’t you realize that these two foods have been sandwiched together because they taste like religion when you eat them simultaneously? I really believe this is a case where you should just take things as they come. (The opposite case rests in the cupcake, where your best choice is clearly to take half the bottom off and smoosh it on top, thus creating a cupcake sandwich, frosting-in-center. I know what you’re eating for second-dinner.)
5. People who eat pizza with a fork
What do you think this is, a pan-seared soy-glazed rack of lamb??? IT’S A PIECE OF GODDAMN PIZZA. I don’t care if you taco it, burrito it, grind up on it, whatever. Just take the metaphorical argyle sweater off from around your shoulders and shove the thing into your mouth before somebody gets offended.